Time

I don’t know if people realize how quickly time passes… I feel like it was just yesterday that I bought my first car… or graduated high school.  It was just “the other day” that I saw my sister… and it was just “yesterday” that I graduated college. 

Time is such a delicate thing.  Something that people take for granted with trivial things.  I try to take a moment every day to enjoy one thing.  Even if its just a few kisses from my dog Tyler. 

I made a promise to myself recently, to work on my health and my weight.  So far so good.  This past week I ate better, worked out and even had a little more energy then I usually do!  But I’m putting it in writing… I promise to take care of myself.  To make sure that my mental and physical status both get to a better place.

To everyone in my life that loves me or I love… please have a little patience while I take care of myself.  I love you all and I’ll be around more eventually.

Never Forget

There are things in a person's life that you never forget.  You never forget that first toy that you fell in love with as a kid... when it was placed in your fingers and you hugged it for the first time.  That feeling you got...

You never forget that first time you fell in love.  You see the other person's eyes and think to yourself how you would just do anything for that person, for the rest of your life.  Even though somewhere down the line the teenage puppy love ends, you still never forget that person and how they made you feel.

You never forget the first time you appreciate anything in your life.  The first time you look at your siblings and realize your appreciation for them.  For me, I was 11 years old.  Sitting on the floor outside my sister's bedroom watching her put make up on slowly.  She was humming a song that was playing on the radio... and I sat there and just loved to watch her. 

I will never forget the first time I drove... the adrenalin that you get from being nervous and happy all at once.  The first time I flew a plane, having the power in my fingers to turn a plane and fly... looking out onto the horizon and seeing beautiful trees. 

When someone leaves you... whether its just someone walking away from your life or passing into the next life, you tend to forget little things... like how they smell, or how they feel when they hug you.  How soft their hair was... the sound of their laugh.  You desperately try to remember all of that, and hold onto it as long as you can.  Your never the same... as people walk in and out of your life, your just never the same. 

I will never quite understand how this process works... but like the day you got your first toy that you loved more then anything in the world as a kid, you hold onto that memory, and thats what keeps those people around forever.  Sometimes you dont have a choice but to let someone go... but they will always live in your heart and your soul.  On days where you find a little patch of quiet... the days where the sun is out, and its a nice day that your appreciating, you remember those people and they come alive in the warmth once again.

Always remember that somewhere I am out there... and I will always remember and keep everyone alive.

~Sherry

Fighting is never easy...

I recently learned that a friend of mine is fighting Breast Cancer... and she has a long battle ahead of her. She's a wonderful person, and she needs all the love, help and support she can get. If anyone wants to read her story, they can go here:

Allison Estabrook

If anyone cares to donate to her friends who are going to walk in her honor and raise money to help her through this, please feel free to go here:

Walk for Allison

My thoughts and prayers go out to her... as well as my support. There are too many people who loose the fight for cancer, even if they fight as hard as they can to win. I just know that Allison is going to win this one... and when she does, I'll be first in line to smile and be thankful.

Thank you for any support you can throw her way...

~Sherry

Moved and News

Sorry I haven't written in a bit... Not sure who even keeps reading this anymore. Maybe I'm just talking to myself on here? I guess that's ok too.

Well as of May 16th, 2009 I reside in Durham, NC. Its really nice down here and I am enjoying it a lot. I got offered a great job down here and I decided to get out of dodge and take a chance. There's a lot to learn for this position but I have an awesome boss who treats me like gold. I couldn't have asked for a better situation.

July is here again... which of course reminds me of Cindy getting diagnosed. I still can't believe that was five years ago. It also freaks me out a little when I think that I am now technically OLDER then her... Every day that passes is a day she didn't see... of this age.

Also... if there is anyone who is reading this, say a prayer for my friend Allison who was just diagnosed with Breast Cancer. May she have the strength to defeat this quickly, may her family and friends be her strength and may her spirits stay lifted. Your loved hun... your road may be long but theres a lot of people willing to help walk it WITH and FOR you.

~Sherry

100th Post

Well geez, I didnt think I would make this many posts but here is #100! I got a job offer... its in North Carolina. So as it stands, I am moving there in three weeks. There is too much to be done and not enough time. I just hope that I can get it done quickly.

Other then that... things are quiet. Next chapter starts....Durham, NC..here I come.

Understand

I dont expect everyone to always understand my way of thinking, nor do I expect people to understand my perspective. Everyone has their own way of living their lives... as do I. The problem I run into is when people cannot understand my choices... when they feel they are better suited to make decisions for me. Here's a news flash... I can think for myself, I take care of myself and even though this might be a shock... I can make my own decisions!!

Here's what I ask... when you are speaking to people, whoever it might be, try to remember to respect their wishes, even if you do NOT agree with them. Try to understand, be compassionate and as always... non-judgmental. If someone should say something that you cannot agree with... agree to disagree. Learn it as a lesson... and still show love. Love and forgiveness are two things that are stingy in this world... Someone that is very dear to me taught me that... and he also taught me that in this life you have to do what is going to make YOU happy... you cant make everyone around you happy no matter how much you want to.

I hope that everyone that reads this has nothing but peace, love and forgiveness in their lives... and please realize that you are loved... its good to smile. :)

~Sherry

Ok so I look horrible in this picture and yep, new years resolution is to loose weight... but to see one of my oldest friends was definitely a treat. This is Marianne. I met her in the eighth grade, and we never lost touch. She moved to Arizona a very long time ago, and this is the first time I got to see her in 15 years. We both cried. My vacation was amazing... anyone who wants pictures, leave me a comment with your email address and I'll shoot ya a link to the online album. When I had to leave on Saturday she hugged me and cried again. We made a promise that it wont be another 15 years before I see her again, and I know she'll hold me to that. Doesnt matter how far away from someone you are, they are always near as long as you carry them in your heart.

Thanks Mair...

For all of those...

For those of you who cannot make it to the cemetary... I put purple flowers and cleaned up Cindy's site as best as I could as well as a little holiday festiveness.  

I stayed a while, and updated her on everything going on.  I know she can hear me even when I am not there.  Its starting to get colder outside... and the holidays are approaching.  I hope everyone... while shopping for their family and friends, remembers to be thankful for what they have and what they have had in their lives.  Always remember to tell the people in your life that you love them.  Its a wonderful thing to be on the receiving end of that.

~me

November 13, 2008

Can you believe that November 13th, 2008 is four years that Cindy is gone. Please take a moment to light a candle and have a moment of silence for her on this day. Remember her smile and her laugh... her wit and her honesty. This time is different for me, I am now the age Cindy was when she passed away... 36. So tomorrow will be the last day she was alive at this age... and I will surpass her after 2:30am tonight.

Please let everyone remember that she would want us to smile and remember her in good times. Please feel free to comment if you read this... I dont get much feedback anymore and I'd love to know that someone is reading this aside from just me.

As someone said to me recently... "smile, there is always someone out there that thinks of you"

She is missed today as much as she was missed the day she left. I hope that Ashley is keeping her company and I hope that she is getting all the kisses and snuggles I desperately miss. Also Thanks to my mom to find cindy's bathrobe, unwashed... on my birthday I got to breathe my Cindy in for a moment and cry... I so missed that.

Bless all that read this... and thank you for your moment of silence tomorrow.

always,
Sherry

Happy Birthday Cin...

Can you believe today you would have been 40 years old? I wish you were here, I think we would have thrown you a surprise party today... it would have been a perfect day for it too. Melissa is nearly 6 years old, she's so smart. I am sure you are so proud of her... if she ever asks me what your greatest accomplishment is, I am going to tell her that it is her. Happy birthday Sis... I love you.

~Sherry

...and time will keep ticking....

I dont know how many people still read this but I still write... *wave* to all that do still read it and I'd love it if comments were left if your still out there?

My grandmother is actually doing a little better. I saw her yesterday and she knew who I was, what was going on around her and she was happy to see me. Other then that... not a whole lot going on.

I am right now the age Cindy was when she was sick, from July - October she was 35 which I am now and then November she was 36 which I will be. She would be 40 this year... There isn't a day that passes that I dont miss her as much as the day she left. I can still see her face smiling at me when I would sit in front of her and rub out her legs from the pain. I just kept reading her eyes... we were never very good at opening up to each other, once in a rare while we did.

But we both knew we loved each other, and that was solid. No matter what.

Hey... remember this, and only this...

"Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain"

A very long life...

Imagine this... you sit in a chair, watching the sun set down for the very last time, on a beautiful summer day. Every colour of the sky beaming with beauty, you know that it was a work of art. You shut your eyes for the last time... but to everyone else, they see you the next day, but you dont know them, or yourself for that matter.

My Grandmother, Faye, she's 95 years old... and slipping slowly into herself. Two days ago, I know she saw and remembered her last sunset... today, she wont remember that sunset... she grasps to know who anyone is. We're loosing her... 95 years of memories, watching the world change around her, children being born, people leaving this world... and she stayed to see it.

I hope that she gets to see Cindy soon without any pain or suffering. I wish nothing more then that. I will not be selfish and wish her to stay... she's got a path, like the rest of us, and she's on it, we can walk some of it with her, but inevitably, she has to take this path alone...

I'm just going to miss her... but I'm on my path...where I see people born, die, the world changing around me...and someday... well you know the rest.

Peace to all.
Sherry

Melissa's Growing up...

Here are three new pictures that I recently received of Melissa. I hate watching her grow up on paper... sigh...

Dates Remembered.

July 19th, 2004... will always stick out for me. If you go back in my blog you can see why. Cindy was diagnosed with cancer that day. I remember feeling like there was nothing that i could do to make the world stop turning until that moment.

This one is short and sweet... Cindy, almost four years has passed and I'd give ANYTHING to see you, talk to you... anything. You took part of me with you, and someday I'll be whole again.

Your loved and missed.

Always.

So....

Time passes as it does... and this morning I was driving to work thinking back at how when Cindy first passed away I wondered how I would get through an ENTIRE day without tears. I've been doing that now but this morning I didn't. There's still a few choice moments, songs, memories that will pop into my head and I'm back at square one. This morning I was remembering something Cindy had done for me when I was younger, and at first I smiled but then I let out a few tears at the thought that I could never call her again just to tell her things going on. There are things going on.. and even though people tell me "don't worry, she knows", I would love to just hear her reaction to what is going on.

I got a new job... I am in a good place in my life... financially for once I'm not drowning, and I am engaged. Yep, engaged. My parent's aren't thrilled about my choice in a fiance but I love Jeff and this is one of those "my decision" things. I'm nearly 36 years old, and my life is my life... I'm going to do what makes me happy. And he makes me very happy.

Melissa is graduating from Kindergarden in June, to which I am going to TRY to fly down to see. I would love to see her anyway but it's been a very long time since I've seen her.

Hope everyone else is well... feel free to drop me an email to whoever still reads this! LadySunshin3@gmail.com

~Sherry

Bleh

Well looks like I've been "censored". I have been asked to password protect my blog which is not possible so since I cant I've been told I cant show a pretty picture of my niece on my page.

Unbelievable... next call will be "why did you get all pissy and post this!?!!"

Anyways, I guess I'll just post up whatever ELSE I want from now on... as for Melissa Pictures, feel free to email me or call me for them. I'm sure no one will mind if I am emailing a picture to those who NEVER get any... EVER! NO ONE HAS PICTURES OF THIS KID EXCEPT ME AND MY PARENTS!!!!

Thats why it was up here, so others could print it out for themselves. Not like anyone sends us pictures on a regular basis, we're just the NY family she never sees or really knows about... who are we?

Nothing like having a dead sister and no interaction unless we all haul our asses to Florida on a regular basis, like we're all rich and can afford it.

So if you would like a picture of Melissa, feel free to ask me for it and I'll gladly email it to you. Cause I dont need people getting pissy that there's a pic on my blog showing off how pretty and big she's gotten.

~bleh...

Silence...

Today is three years... three years that Cindy left us and there isn't a day that goes by that I am not reminded of her or miss her. I woke up at 2:29am this morning, which is when I got the phone call three years ago from my mother. She simply said "She's gone", and my world changed.

I woke up this morning, took a look around my dark room, quietly sat up and just sat there. Eventually I fell back to sleep but for that brief moment, Cindy woke me and it was ok. Its more then just missing here, its that everything is so very different then it should be. There are so many things that got affected with her death and I know I cannot control them, and I know I can't change them... so I'll just keep a quiet little thought..

"You're missed in more ways then one, and by so many people."

Always in my heart, thoughts and tongue....

Your sister,
Sherry

As days go by...

Your birthday just passed (October 10th), you would have been 39 years old... I'm sorry I didn't post on that day, I just had such a horrible day. You were on my mind even more then normal and then to top it all off, there are other things going on that I am sure you already know about, and would be only too happy to slap the hell out of those that are aggravating me right now.

But on a lighter note, the weather was beautiful on your birthday and I made a wish for you. I know your always there... and I know that this year's birthday gift was Ashley. I hope she has been a good little snuggler for you with lots and lots of kisses. I miss the sandpaper kisses so much.

I love you Cindy...

2007

Pictures are great... Heres a new one of Melissa... I can't believe how big she has gotten and how much she looks like Cindy...

Signs...

Isn't it funny how signs work? After Ashley died I had this horrible sense of loss... like someone came to me and ripped my heart out... I had already lost Cindy and now the one thing that we used to argue over, "who owned Ashley"...when in all actuality NO ONE owned her...she was her own little free spirit... she's gone. Something that I didn't write until now... but a few days after Ashley's passing, I was driving home from work and I was just feeling so empty and there it was... my sign from Cindy!

Next to me were two big trucks... the first one said EGL on the side (and for anyone that knew Cindy, she worked for that company for a very long time in NJ), the second in HUGE gold letters said ASHLEY furniture... I just laughed and said "ok i got the point Cin!!" ... thank you Cindy... you got the Ashley-kitty safe and sound. Take good care of her until I see both of you again...

And Cindy...give Bonnie a sign? I think she's needing them more then me right now. I wish I could be there for her but I can't... she doesn't allow it. I got caught in the crossfire of a problem between her and my mother and it left me in not only a horrible spot with both of them yelling at me at different intervals but I lost someone in the process. **Hey Bonnie... I saw you and jackie in Coscto a few months back... She got so big and she's gorgeous... and you looked good too.**

Have a good day all...

~Sherry