Deep

Ever wonder why it is that some people are put on this earth to walk it alone? They never find a mate, they never make a family, never get to wake up next to the one person in the world that they can't get enough of. Have you ever wondered... really wondered...

I"m one of those people. I wasn't meant to meet the right guy, and I wasn't meant to have a family or not be alone. So can someone tell me how your supposed to be the strong one when your always alone? I guess in the night, when I'm alone and its dark, I just wonder.

Everyone has their share of problems... but too bad no one knows what is going on in my head. Thank God most people dont.

Da Birthday Girl!!!

Happy 3rd Birthday baby! She's growing up too fast! Cindy would be so proud of her. I'm just happy to have gotten the chance to go to Florida to see her for her birthday. What a happy little camper she was to see me! This has got to be my favorite age. Thanks again to Andrew for putting up with me for three days and throwing her a great party.

First Anniversary

I always thought that anniversaries were supposed to be a good thing. A celebration of another year gone by of something that has happened, like a marriage for example. But not today. Today marks one whole year that Cindy is gone. An entire year of silence and an entire year of tears.

I'll keep this one short, just keep a moment of silence today...
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Rehab Time!

Well Mom's surgery went swimmingly and she is now out of the hospital as of last night, and at the rehabilitation center. She tells me she's got a really pleasant roommate and that she'll be starting November 2nd on physical therapy. She's in REAL good spirits and I think that her pain isn't that bad. She hasn't really complained all that much.

Seems that this surgery was the best thing for her and needed for a very long time.

Other then that, things are rather quiet, work is going well (for a change) and I'm enjoying things as they are. I bought myself an iPod for my birthday with birthday money I had gotten and combined some of my own. I also have plane tickets to go see Melissa for her third birthday, leaving on November 18th for the weekend. I'll make sure to take pictures!

I hope everyone's Halloween was pleasant and I hope that Thanksgiving isn't too bad either...

Cindy's one year anniversary of her death is coming up. November 13th. I'm glad its a Sunday because I don't think I could handle going to work on that day. I just know that I'm going to want to hide that day and maybe go to the cemetery.

I still can't believe its almost a year, I can still smell her hair and feel her soft skin. I just miss her so much, and that pain doesn't dull down.

~Sherry

My Birthday Present...  

Fingers Crossed.

Well as of 6:30am this morning my mom is in surgery having her knee replaced. I know that she really needed it and hopefully when all this is over she will have an abundance of relief. I just can't help being worried about her while it's going on. I asked Cindy to watch over her and give her sweet dreams while she sleeps. I asked that she give my dad strength and hopefully calm my nerves!

I have a bit of a sour stomach right now but that's been going on for a few days, so I don't think that's my nerves. Hopefully my dad will call and tell me everything went perfect. I'll be there later on, going to head there straight from work. Yes, I went to work. There is nothing I can do for her sitting in a hospital lobby, and with having a fairly new job, I'd rather not risk anything happening to it. They treat me rather good here, and I really am grateful. I'm here almost three months now and they bought me a brand new laptop... and I just found out that I'm going to be getting a Blackberry cell phone as well!

I hope everyone has a very peaceful weekend and be safe.

~Sherry

Hats

So seasons change and so do I. I'm working now, and I actually LIKE my job. I bought a hat which is really not like me at all but I like it and I'm told "it suites me". I know the picture is a little fuzzy, but it's from a cell phone, so NO complaints! Melissa will be Snow White this year for Halloween and I'm going to see her on her birthday next month. Things are going ok for now... Thankfully.

Lonely Birthday

October 10th, 1968: Cindy Robin Levine was born into this world...

October 10th, 2004: we shared what we all knew was the last birthday she would ever see in the lobby of Memorial Sloan Kettering Hospital.

October 10, 2005: A very sad day... I do hope that everyone who still reads this wishes Cindy Happy Birthday in heaven today. It's her first one there, and I just know my Grandma Sophie is cooking her an awesome greek meal, my Grandpa Paul is helping, and my Aunt Nenee is making the appetizers. I can see my Aunt Ellie sitting at a table wrapping wishes that are about to come true... and I hear my Grandpa Lou's lispy voice laughing and telling her stories of things she missed in heaven getting her up to date. They will all have cake later, but no candles are necessary... she'll have every wish come true.

Here... Andrew and Melissa say a quiet happy birthday... and I know he's hurting. I talked to him last night. My parents hearts break... and my heart.. just feels lost.

Wake me up... when today ends.

~Sherry

Isnt she getting big??? 

Smile!

So here are better pictures of Melissa. Sorry for the wait, I had to wait for dad to get them off his camera and onto the computer! Enjoy!

BIG smiles!

And heres the other one! :)

Growing up

Heres two pictures of Melissa that I took over this passed weekend, I can't believe how big she got, and she slendered out as well. She is still such an amazing little kid and truly a VERY good child... Cindy would be so proud and probably is... thanks to everyone who came this weekend and thanks to Cindy for giving us Melissa.. my pride and joy.

Strange moments...

Have you ever had a series of strange moments that actually make you nervous or scared? Well that's me this morning. I had a horrible dream last night that I was running through a hospital crying out loud "I dont want to die, and please help me". My hands were turning blue and I kept looking at my knees that were darkened with blood inside. Every time I would finally find a doctor they would smile in pity and say they were sorry but they couldn't help me. I kept showing them my hands for some reason and how the nails and fingers were turning blue. But the strange part was how hard I was fighting... I had plenty of energy but no one would listen to me.

I woke up very upset. As I staggered into the bathroom this morning I kept checking my hands and knees, and I moved just a little slower this morning. I wondered if Cindy had a dream like that before she passed away. If she was screaming inside like that and no one could hear her. It was frightening.

I got to work at 8am, which is where I am now. I have a new job for those of you who don't know. I thought that I had finally shaken off this strange feeling I've had all day but instead I just got a nose bleed... that didn't help put my fears to bed.

I guess you can say that I'm having an unsettling day, and all I can do is hope that it gets better as the day progresses... I wish nothing but good thoughs, dreams and days to everyone.

Inconsiderate people...

Someone who was surfing the blogs decided to leave a comment on my blog with a phone number advertising a school! What nerve!!!!! Where do people get the nerve to do things like that??

I just figured out how to delete it, but I was just so hot under the collar about that. Now I'm sitting here waiting for a customer to pick up their dog (for those who dont know, I groom dogs) and thankfully she's behaving nicely waiting for her owner.

I also started a new job this week. I guess school might just pay off after all. Its in New Jersey doing computer administration type work. I have a LOT to learn still but at least I got my foot in the door somewhere and I just hope that the guy I work for will have the patience to let me learn and keep me on there. But I enjoy being there. I keep very busy all day and the guy I work for (Keat is his name) laughs every time I say "what should I do now?". Yesterday he said "i am presently surfing the web and talking on AOL, cant you??" hahahah! I said that would look horrible! My first day and I'm surfing the web?? So I cleaned up the office and cataloged some of the hardware that is laying around and put it into storage giving us more room.

At least today there was much more for me to do, I was thankful for that. I actually have work waiting for me when I get in tomorrow morning! YAY! One can only hope that the work will be easy though... stupid HP computers... they put way too many screws in them!

Well... I guess thats all I have to say for now... take care all.

Sherry

A year reflection...

Today is July 19th... for anyone who still does read this, today one year ago I got that horrible phone call that Cindy had cancer. That is a day that will always stay with me. Hearing my mother's voice, seeing my father sitting on that kitchen chair and knowing that things were never going to be the same again. I just dont think anyone expected that it was the first day towards the end.

There are so many thoughts running through my head today... but I think that for the most part I want to just say that at least today I can think of Cindy with a smile, remember good moments, her laugh, her smile and how she always managed to keep her strength about her, even when she was at her weakest.

I love you Cindy, I loved you then, and I'll always love you... See you again someday sis.

Always,
Sherry

PS: The unveiling of Cindy's stone will be September 18th, 2005 if anyone wants to go, please just email me for details at LadySunshin3@gmail.com

Time healing...

Well, it seems that time does heal even though I still feel like theres a huge hole in my life, but at least I can think of Cindy and smile... remembering things that have happened in our lives, and things we've done.

I love my sister, and that will never die, I'll carry that with me forever. I'll carry it for both of us.

I also learned that home isn't where you plop your stuff and sleep, its where your heart feels comfortable. And where your eyes are soothed. It's also where you can wake up smiling and go to sleep peacefully. Maybe someday I'll have that again, and I hope for that.

Sherry

Shifts in my life...

Well again it's time for me to go through some life shifting... friends coming and going from my life, new faces coming in, older ones walking out and me in the middle just watching everything go by carefully...taking note of who I loved and who I will love.

A person's soul can hold so much love for people, even when they are not there anymore, it's still there. It's amazing how much you never forget your first love, your best friends in the world and your family. I am thankful for every one of them and will never hold any ill will against a single one of them. I thank everyone in my life for what they have given me, what I have been taught and the guidance I have gotten. I hope that everyone who has touched my life also has learned something... and I hope that everyone is able to learn to love, and allow new people into their lives as well.

I'll keep my soul quiet for now... keep watching the life shifts and hope that when it stops... I'm on the right side of the tracks...making the right decisions.

"Cheers"

Songs

It's amazing how one song can make you stop the car, pull over and burst into tears... its been three months... actually 12 weeks and three days and I still feel it was yesterday that I kissed Cindy's cheek as she slept and told her that I loved her dearly. I whispered in her ear that it was her "purple world" and that she would forever be in it. Avril Lavigne came out with a song called "Slipped Away" which seems to really hit home and even though its hard for me to listen to, I can never just turn it off. Even when I want to, I wind up just listening anyway.

For now all I can do is give you the lyrics, but I hope that all of you reading this will take a moment to locate this song and maybe listen to it. It may not be Sarah McLachlan and her sorrow style, but the lyrics really do fit.

I dont know how anyone else is doing, but I still feel like I am drowning over here. All the therapy and meds to keep me calm in the world aren't going to help me. They aren't going to bring back what I lost and I will never again have peace the way I did or balance.


"Slipped Away"
I miss you
Miss you so bad
I don't forget you
Oh it's so sad.

I hope you can hear me
I remember it clearly.

[Chorus]
The day you slipped away.....
Was the day i found
It, won't be the same
Oh

Na na 
Na na na na na 

I didn't get around to kiss you
Goodbye on the hand
I wish that I could see you again
I know that I can't ooooooooooooh
I hope you can hear me
Cause I remember it clearly

[Chorus]
The day you slipped away...
Was the day i found
It, won't be the same
Oh


I've had my wake up
Won't you wake up
I keep asking why.
And I can't take it
It wasn't fake it
It happened you passed by

Now you're gone 
Now you're gone
There you go 
There you go
Somewhere I can't bring you back
Now you're gone
Now you're gone
There you go 
There you go
Somewhere you're not coming back

[Chorus]X2

Na na
Na na na na na

I miss you.

Friends...

You never realize how much friends can mean to you until you get really close to them. I thank God for a loving family that pulled together through a very rough time and still pulls together whenever needed. But I also am thankful for good friends. Friends that are there through the tears... smiles, and even the occasional quiet movie where neither of you feel like talking.

Chris... you have been a solid rock for me for years... and there are times that I know I've been your leaning post back. We have a gentle understanding, and we can read each other very well. It's a purple world Chris... and it should belong to you.

Meredith... You've become my surrogate sister...through all that happened with Cindy, I will never be able to repay your kindness, and all you have done for me. I believe and hope that things for you turn around soon. And when they do, I'll be there, to smile with you. Right now bad times are on both of us, and we still manage to crack a smile to each other... and tell each other "I love you". And I do... love you.

Erik... we've had our good and bad times just like everyone else.. but you have proved to me that you can be there for me when I need you most. I don't always understand our friendship and I dont think I was meant to. But I'm glad we have it. Your friendship has taught me a lot and shown me that even the toughest of people... can have a soft spot for a white cat.

Ernesto... Thank you for all the laughs, silly stuff and the stuff I am sure you will still introduce to me as our friendship continues. You've always been my comic relief and sometimes that's all I need... and you always do that. Thanks. :)

Lori... New to my life as a friend but old to my heart. I feel like I know you forever and I love the fact that I have a new friend in my life thats a girl, who I can talk to. You always seem to be on my level. I feel like we should have been friends from when we were little and I have a lot of catching up to do. I know we dont live close to each other... but even the closest of friends use just words most of the time... and we have plenty of that.

Craig... Forever a friend. What can I say about someone that I have such a long history with. All I can say is this... we may have our differences, and we may not always see eye to eye... but we will always have the same common goal, friendship.

There are a lot of other people out there that I consider friends and maybe eventually I'll get to all of them. For now... I hope everyone reading this cherishes the friends they have... and always makes sure to spend lots of time with them.

~Sherry